For months I have been sick, tired, grouchy, irritable, anxious, puking, trying not to puke, and FINALLY I am enjoying the thrills of pregnancy! Not many people will agree with me, but I actually LOVE growing a big old belly! I LOVE eating and enjoying the fact that I can eat again! I LOVE filling out my maternity clothes! Most of all, I LOVE LOVE LOVE feeling this precious little miracle flip around in my tummy, get hiccups, and kick the pee right out of me! I also think its funny when I have to sneeze but I run to the bathroom, you know ladies, just in case its more than a sneeze!
There are very few things that I tend to complain about when I am carrying around the miracle of life inside me. (Yes, I HATED being sick for almost 13 weeks, and yes, I do complain, just not about this in particular!) I am WELL aware of what a miracle life is. This is my 5th baby and all 4 babies before were just as much a miracle, especially when I look back on their entrance into this world... All four were preemies and Izzie, our fourth was every bit of a miracle to our lives.
I say all of this to share my struggle this time. I am overcome by worry, fear, anxiety, etc.
Caution is my middle name this go around. I rest, even when I don't want to. It hurts me to watch people helping me while I do nothing. It hurts me to watch my kids run circles around me in a day. I have to make a choice to rest this time when I can because I am doing everything in my power to keep this baby in my tummy until he is full term! There is only one thing wrong with all of this and God revealed this to me about a month ago. "I" am trying so hard. "I" am doing all that "I" know to do for "my" body to keep "my" baby strong and healthy.
None of this is mine! Not my body or this baby that I am carrying. Until I can release the control that I have over this situation I am going to continue to be plagued with anxiety, worry and fear. For well over a month now our pastor has been speaking on the parables. I have felt a heavy burden to trust God with EVERYTHING during this series. To realize that none of this would be if it weren't for His great love and favor poured out upon me. Who am I to all of the sudden decide to control "me" in a moment that I cannot at all control.
My prayer turned from "keep me healthy", "give me a full term baby", "show your greatness by..." to a simple, "I trust you Lord, have your way. I desperately desire a healthy pregnancy and a healthy full term baby. I will trust you even if that prayer is answered with a no."
This is not always easy, at all. There are days when I have a contraction and think, "here we go again," but then I hear a gentle whisper, reminding me that I need not fear this, God's got this. He loves me, he loves this child and that's all I need to know right now.
This morning was the most powerful message to back up my change of heart. Jimmy spoke on the Parable of the Persistent Widow, how to find hope in a hopeless situation. I have felt very hopeless. What's the point in praying, I know what the outcome will be, so just be prepared for another needy baby, right! I even have friends, DOCTORS making comments like, "well, you really only have another month to go before this baby comes" What kind of hope am I being fed that I can rest in if the world is resting in the reality?!?! So, my choice, my desire is to be obedient to God and God alone, to walk in the truth of His love, to rest in His peace, His comfort and not the reality of my situation. Even if this baby comes early, I will know that this is God's plan for Heidi. It will not defeat me, it will increase my dependency on my heavenly Father. So my prayer, is to never stop praying over this, to be persistent. I waste not one word speaking to God, so I am gonna keep on praying, because he desires to hear from me!
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