This too shall pass...

I am in the home stretch of bed rest and have gone through many phases of emotions while on bed rest...

Phase 1: Weeks 20-26, the "I can do this" phase!
I felt great but knew that I needed to rest and learn to accept help when offered. I did a great job at this considering that I NEVER ask for help, I am self sufficient and do not like asking for help, at all. I know, totally a pride issue, but God clearly smacked me in the face with this one and gave me no choice but to swallow my pride and accept the help, so I did! My attitude was great (in my opinion, but don't ask Craig!), I was relying totally on God for a happy heart and good perspective. Phase 1 was a great phase!

Phase 2: Weeks 27-32, the "Wow, look how far I've come" phase!
This is when STRICT bed rest came into play. I had Craig's stepmom come live with us for a few weeks, then my baby sister came down, to make sure that I did NOTHING. I had to get past the "danger" zone and that I did!! I was determined to get through the point when I had preterm labor and then delivered Izzie, Maggie and Macey. I did it! I had soooo much help from friends and family and am soooo incredibly grateful that the Lord carried me through this phase with no major issues. Seeing how far the Lord carried me got me through this phase.

Phase 3: Weeks 33-37, the "I think I can, I know I can, but I am just too tired to listen anymore" phase!
I just started this phase and feel like a brick has hit me square in the face this week. I am done. I am exhausted. I am feeling failure, anger, sadness, guilt, anxiety, etc. Everything that I need to give up to the Lord, I am not. I am holding on tight to these terrible, no good emotions and feelings and so far this week not doing anything to change my current state of mind. The only good thing is that I am WELL AWARE of my state of mind, I know it is not doing me any good, but I am quickly melting down... Let's just wait until this phase is over to truly evaluate it. Today is NOT the day...

I say all of this to remind myself of something that my great pastor said on Sunday. When we are on the mountaintop, God is pruning us, preparing us for the valley. God is strengthening our souls for what is on the horizon. Yes, I was moody and had my moments the first 32 weeks of pregnancy, I am not saying that I was a walking  praise song by any means, but really, I was on the mountaintop! I was praising the Lord for every positive appointment, every week that passed and Isaac was still in my tummy growing like a weed! I was thankful, thankful just to be given any opportunity to praise Him for the miracle he is about to perform by keeping His hand on me during this pregnancy. I accepted the help, I was thankful for whatever came my way and appreciated all the little things Craig was doing to keep me happy and comfortable. Once again, don't ask Craig's opinion on this, I don't claim to be perfect :)

So what changed? I don't know. Maybe it was Izzie throwing up all Saturday night and feeling so helpless. It could've been that my birthday was Thursday and I spent the entire day at the doctor. Yesterday was Izzie's birthday and I failed her. If it wasnt for my precious daughter Macey, there would've been no party at all. She baked and decorated a cake, went into Harris Teeter with my debit card and bought balloons to celebrate with pizza for dinner! She is truly amazing.  It could've been when Maggie started throwing up at 4:30 this morning and I had to go into mom mode, getting no sleep the rest of the night, cleaning up puke and disinfecting, washing sheets, towels and toilets and realizing, yes, today is the day that I am SUPPOSED to celebrate 14 years of wedded bliss to my husband Craig, only I am exhausted, grouchy, and in no mood to celebrate anything. Basically, this week has been an epic fail and it's only Tuesday. I am feeling the affects of bed rest this week because it is a busy week. Typically, I LOVE to celebrate my birthday. It's a big deal to me, and maybe me only, ha!! I LOVE to celebrate my kids, and didn't do that well either, and our anniversary. The day isn't over, but I am still in my pjs. Not very romantic for Craig to come home to. You can call me Debbie Downer today. I am going to shower, pray, read and pray that the Lord delivers me from this pit of self pitty. It's not a fun place to be..